Note: A large part of this article might offend women. It’s not done hitting out at women. I’ve got nothing but good things to say about the women I have interracted with – from many of my friends who are women, to my friend’s girlfriends, wives and fiancees. And I myself have a mother and sister. This is an observation I’ve made overall and is a generalisation from what I’ve seen happen around me. I’m not a psychologist or anything. I’m just a guy trying to make sense of something beautiful, going terribly wrong.
A large number of my friends are married. Then again, a large number are not married. And a growing number are becoming single. I say that because marriages across the board are breaking up. And not marriages of one type – Both love and arranged marriages.
What has happened to the famed ‘institution of marriage’? What used to be ’till death do us part’, is now ’till we do us apart’ – or finances, friends, extra-marital affairs, flings etc do us apart.
Marriage is now a sham. Entered into for many wrong reasons. I don’t doubt that there are definitely good reasons for people to get married. Love, caring, companionship.. but are these sustaining qualities in the world today?
There are a few theories which support why marriages don’t work today.
i) Feminism in the new millenium
Many years ago, men would work. Women would take care of the household. However men took this for granted. They realised that women couldn’t do anything without the financial security that men provided. A few women tried, but the majority would not take the chance, and the men knew it. Therefore they (women) could be taken for granted. And we’ve all seen men having their way with women back in the day, within marriages, and outside as well.
While feminism started in the 60’s, it only went into high gear in the 90’s. That’s when we really started seeing more and more women with higher education, women occupying important positions in the work place and the corporate world. This trend started a revolution – Working women, Working mother, Single mothers..
Women started to realise that NOT having men around made their life much easier, and far more easier to control – as the control was now IN THEIR HANDS. Also having the power of sex in their hands, they knew that they could always use sex to get what they want, and get sex when they want. There were always enough of us guys around who wanted to ‘get some’.
Wow! Honestly, hats off to women for having come down this long painful road. So this was the start to Women’s Independence and the success (or over success) of the Feminism movement. I just wish they realised that happiness comes from balance – Women & Men are the Yin & Yang. Happiness does not come from power tilted.
ii) The Wounded Ego and beaten up masculinity
Now with this new found independence, women needed men less and less. And with that power in their hands, they could use it to their advantage to get men to do what they wanted. Why would men do what they wanted? Because men on the contrary need women more than women need men. Atleast for now.
The problem is that the one important trait of a man is his ego. That is a part of us. So having a women who can do everything with or without him, makes our ego take a bashing. Upto now, men were used to being the breadwinners. We were used to taking care of the women’s wants, and felt good that we were needed. Now we are disposable. Women can have babies themselves, raise them on their own, have a job at the same time, not need companionship to the extent that men do.. So we men are feeling shit out of luck and completely useless!
With this, we are now subject to women telling us what to do. And since we are so weak in our ways, we are totally and completely whipped! We don’t have the resolve that women do. We feel that if we don’t do something, we could lose the girl. Women don’t have that problem!
iii) The Cat & Dog theory
This is a very simple theory.
Men are like dogs. We will love you and care for you. No holds barred. You can kick us, abuse us and we’ll still come back to you wagging our tails.
Women are like cats. They are now highly individualistic. They will do their own thing. And when they want you, they will crawl up around you, and purr until they get what they want. And after they do, they’re back to “Excuse me.. I don’t need you.”
iv) Women have become men. Men have become women.
Women say “I don’t need you. I can do it all myself. And when I’ve got the time between my work, meeting friends etc, they can meet you.” They have lost the romanticism. They of course ASK for it – they say “What happened to romance etc?” Not realising that its them that have killed it by their cut and dry approach, such as I can do whatever myself. There is no more dependence on the man, which is what made us feel great about ourselves.
Men are the opposite of what they used to be. Men now say “Baby.. I miss you, baby I love you.. I can’t do without you.” What happened to the ways of John Wayne! We need him back. We need him and his masculine ways back to teach us men to be men again.
But more than men, my complaint is about women. I completely agree that women are the superior gender. They are Version 2.0 of Man. As someone said – if I had to blow a football out of my vagina, I’d die. I’m sure I don’t have that threshold of pain. From there on itself, women are superior. They can focus much more (they don’t have something between their legs as their primary brain). (See, there’s some male bashing too!)
However, women in the good old days had a better plan. They knew they were better. But they’d still play the role of the submissive one. The weaker sex. They would massage the man’s ego.
But women today don’t like that role anymore. They wanna be The Man! They want to wear the pants in a relationship and that’s pretty shattering for a guy. Cutting off a man’s ego is like cutting off a man’s manhood. Very painful and very emasculating.
And in the process of becoming The Man, women have lost that softness and femininity, and replaced it with aggression and manipulation. The thing that made women so beautiful, endearing and just plain lovely is no longer there.
Now having said that, let me focus more on marriage here:
v) Capitalism & Me culture
With global capitalism, family has taken a backseat while more people are focussed on whats in it for them. Me Culture. Uptil now, women still retained the sense of family. Men were made to care about the concept of family by women. But with women also thinking like men today, there’s no one left thinking anymore!
vi) Flings
Everyone’s doing it! Everyone’s messing around. So what’s wrong.
Before, an extra-marital affair would spell doom – not just emotionally, but even professionally and socially. But now, while its not accepted, its certainly not looked down upon anymore. That makes it easier for people to go outside their marriage.
In a city like Mumbai, I have seen married women making out in clubs with men (who are not their husbands), married men hitting on other married women and being encouraged, and people in general taking committment to one person as something for the time-being. “One should not close all avenues for the future”. Who knows what can happen. With an attitude like that, what do you expect!
vii) Divorce
Today, its far more easy to get in and out of marriages. Why’s that? Because the concept of divorce has now become a worldwide accepted practice. What used to be a taboo word and looked down upon,
is now widely accepted by the most conservative households in India. While it is good that parents are now saying that their child’s happiness is more important than just living in a sham-marriage, its making it easier for couples to look towards that avenue.
In the good ol days, a marriage was a lifetime committment. Today a marriage is a committment like dating someone, which can be broken up similarly. We have today become used to fast food relationships. If it doesn’t work in a few months, it not worth wasting the rest of your life over it.
Fair enough – that may be true. But it’s that mentality that is leading to more and more people taking that path without thinking the full thing through, unlike in the old days where people would stay together for years and years until it made no sense anymore.
viii) Everyone’s doing it so why shouldn’t I?
What happens when everyone of your guy friends or girl friends get married? You’re left alone. Suddenly all your boy/girl’s nights out partying and letting your hair down seem to be a world gone by and you suddenly feel lonely in the world.
You’re left in the middle of nowhere, while your friends are going with their spouses for couple dinners, you’re left out. While they go for movies, you have to find someone younger who’s not in danger of getting married anytime soon, but unfortunately who’s not much of a future prospect either. Therefore, you’re suddenly left thinking – I don’t want to be left out of this, so I should also start looking harder for someone to settle down with. And what happens? Haste makes waste.. rather, divorce. Your fast foo d recipe to relationship disaster.
What have I concluded from all this?
That women and men should take a long hard look at their parents or grandparents who made marriages work. Understand how they were able to make it work. Men and women should understand the psychological and physiological makeup of the opposite sex and find a role that is not conflicting with the other person. It might not seem like it now in the courtship period, but it always comes up later. And I ask women – give a man a chance, and bring your femininity and softness back. Its what makes you a woman.
Having said all this, I still believe in the concept of love.. And I still believe in the concept of marriage, the concept of companionship..
I just hope that both the genders’ get their act together and live in a harmonious way rather than acrimonious.